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About Professor Cheeto
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Prof. Cheeto Cat, Ph.D.
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he/him/chonker
Office:
Physics Bldg,
East Side
Phone:
n/a (no thumbs)
Email:
cheeto
@ucdavis.edu
Hours:
By appt. or
tuna can
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Cheeto joined HPC@UCD as a stray scholar-in-residence and has since established
himself as a permanent fixture of academic life. Although lacking formal documentation of
any kind -- he arrived through the east wall of the Physics Building one rainy Tuesday --
he has consistently demonstrated excellence in curiosity-driven research.
His work primarily centers on applied Box Mechanics, Lap-Centered Gravitational
Fields, and Quantum Paw-sitioning. In addition to his research, Professor Cheeto
provides ongoing mentorship to graduate students in stress management and snack awareness.
He is also recognized internationally (within this building) for his expertise in sunbeam
allocation studies and nap-energy conservation.
Outside the laboratory, Cheeto can often be found patrolling the Physics exterior,
engaging in outreach with passing students, or conducting field studies on food dish
availability.
Education:
- Ph.D. (Purring Highly Distinguished), Physics
- M.Sc., Nap Energy Conservation
- B.Sc., General Mischief and Applied Curiosity
Honors & Awards:
- Awarded continuous funding in Kibble and Treats, 1995–present
- Recipient, Golden Yarn Award for advances in applied string theory, 1997
- Distinguished Nap Medal, 1996
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Research Interests & Expertise
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►>Quantum Paw-sitioning
Investigation into the simultaneous occupation of multiple
physical states, including boxes, laptops, and human laps. If the
cat is in the box, is the cat also on your keyboard? YES. Our data
confirm this.
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► Thermal Fur-dynamics
Optimizing nap placement for maximal solar gain and fur-based
heat retention. Current models predict a 94% efficiency improvement
if the afternoon colloquium is cancelled. Funding sought.
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► String Theory (Applied)
Experimental engagement with yarn and cable oscillation modes.
Unlike theoretical string theory, our results are
reproducible and occur approximately twice per afternoon. Equipment
budget: 1 ball of yarn.
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► Box Mechanics
Exploration of feline-object interactions within constrained
cardboard enclosures. If it fits, it sits -- but why?
This lab intends to find out, funding permitting (kibble-category).
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► Gravitational Attraction Studies
Quantifying the irresistible force of a cat toward laps and warm
keyboards. Preliminary results suggest the force is approximately
infinite when deadlines are approaching.
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► Nap-Energy Conservation
Foundational studies into optimal nap duration, recovery, and
re-napping cycles. The lab generates 16 hours of raw data per day.
Results promising. More data being collected. Currently.
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Selected Publications
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Click on titles to download PDF (requires Acrobat Reader 3.0)
Cheeto (1998). On the Lapward Drift of Feline Bodies: A Gravitational Study.
Journal of Feline Mechanics, Vol. 12, No. 3, pp. 44-67.
[NEW!!]
Cheeto (1997). Purr Frequencies and Their Correlation with Graduate Student Productivity.
Applied Acoustics Letters, Vol. 88, pp. 112-119.
Cheeto (1996). Schrödinger's Nap: A Field Experiment in Superposition.
Quantum Cat Physics Review, Vol. 5, No. 1, pp. 1-33.
[EDITOR'S PICK]
Cheeto (1995). It Was in This Box Before You Opened It: A Paradox Re-Examined.
Proceedings of the 3rd International Cardboard Symposium, Davis CA, poster presentation.
[AWARD WINNER]
Cheeto (1994). Temporal Distortion in Sunbeam Allocation: Why 3 PM Is the Optimal Nap Window.
Thermal Fur-dynamics Quarterly, Vol. 1, No. 1, pp. 1-8.
(Inaugural issue; self-peer-reviewed)
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Lab Members
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Principal Investigator
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Professor Cheeto, Ph.D. (PHD)
Principal Investigator | Feline Fellow | he/him/chonker
Physics Building, East Side
cheeto@ucdavis.edu
Founder of the lab, primary grant recipient (kibble-category), and final authority
on whether the office door remains ajar. Tenure status: permanent, self-granted.
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Postdoctoral Researchers
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Dr. Mittens von Fluffenberg
Lap Topology
Investigating non-Euclidean lap geometries. Holds the record for fitting into a space
40% smaller than her own body volume. Currently in year 7 of a 2-year postdoc.
Homepage: [UNDER CONSTRUCTION]
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Dr. Shadow McVoidface
Dark Matter Napping
Specialist in negative-space occupation and the physics of sitting on freshly
cleaned laundry. Thesis: "You Can't See Me But I Am Here."
Homepage: [COMING SOON]
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Dr. Biscuit Pawsworth III
Kneading Dynamics
Experimental kneading biomechanics. 3 publications on optimal paw pressure
oscillation. Also responsible for Lab Morale Fridays.
Homepage: [LINK BROKEN -- FIXING SOON]
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Dr. Duchess Whiskerstein
Sunbeam Relocation Studies
Tracking solar-spot migration across lab flooring. Her real-time thermal imaging
data is considered the most rigorous in the field, and possibly the warmest.
Homepage: [UNDER CONSTRUCTION]
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Dr. Gremlin J. Chompers
String Oscillation
Applied string theory experimentalist. Current study involves a shoelace, curtain
pull, and someone's modem cable. IRB approval: pending (probably fine).
Homepage: [404 -- will fix]
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Dr. Clementine Flop-Boots
Zoomies Theory
High-velocity locomotion modeling and spontaneous acceleration events (SAEs).
Her 2 AM sprint data remains unexplained by classical mechanics. Peer review ongoing.
Homepage: [COMING SOON!!]
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Dr. Marmaduke Blob
Fluid Cat Dynamics
Studies feline liquid-state behavior in containers of varying geometry. Holds 2
patents on "pouring" methodology. Rarely found sitting upright.
Homepage: [UNDER CONSTRUCTION -- check back in 1999!]
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Dr. Princess Thunderpaws
Acoustic Ignoring
Studies selective auditory processing: how cats hear a treat bag from 3 floors
away yet remain unresponsive to their own name. Groundbreaking. Baffling.
Homepage: [LINK COMING SOON]
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Contact & Office Hours
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| Office Hours |
Monday – Friday: By appointment
Tuna Can Detection Event: Immediately
3–5 PM Daily: Do not knock (nap window)
2–4 AM: Sporadically available
Department Colloquium: Present (on the projector)
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| Contact Information |
Location: Physics Building, East Side
E-Mail: cheeto@ucdavis.edu
(responses slow; no thumbs)
Phone: Not applicable (see: no thumbs)
Physical Mail: Accepted. Will be sat upon.
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